Lately I've had self destructive thoughts. E.g thoughts on cutting (ones self), drinking til I can't remember, killing myself, so on. Now don't get me wrong, I have actually done any of these things, they are just on my mind.
Why or how they came to be is beyond me... I've never been depressed, or not really. I've had my lows like every other human being at my age (1991). Yet the thoughts came, if I really want to pin-point them out, they all come from the same trigger... my mother. She means the world to me, but like any other mother, she doesn't know where to stop. The first and only time where I seriously considered suicide was after my mother said some things that cut way deeper than I thought they could and I don't think my mom knew it would affect me. I don't even know if she knows that I have had those thoughts and that she was the trigger.
Feeling are something I have learned not to express, because if you do, they get used against you (not my parents, but my siblings are the trigger this time). I can't believe how different we 4 are. I'm not sure if you would consider me the middle child or not, but I feel like I am. My twin sister is the youngest. She has always been the baby of the family and has also grown up spoiled (like every other baby). My big sister is just that. The first to do everything, the oldest, the "wisest"... And then we have my big brother, who in all theory is the middle child (big sister, big brother, me, twin sister - the children in age, from oldest to youngest). I'm really not sure if you would call him the middle child because even if he was, he is the only boy. That is a title in and of itself. A middle child is someone others easily forget. Someone that has no "real" role in the family. And I believe myself to be that person. Someone that doesn't have to be there and everything still works out. The only thing I feel I am in the family is dad's little girl. We get along, because 1 I have the patience of an angel and 2 everybody else likes mom more. (I just noticed this became a short biography of my family...) Being the middle child has it ups and downs. My sister plays with me if nobody else is around - an up. I get alone time - an up. I learned patience - an up. I was bored - a down. When I was sad nobody noticed - a down...
My mother, sister and I moved to another country without my dad, brother and big sister. My father is now remarried and my mother is a lesbian (she is dating a woman from the country we left). None of by siblings keep in contact with my father, I do thou. His wife is different from what we know... It's like if you're given chicken every day and then one day you're given pork, you'd be all, what the fuck is this? It's so different you deny it. You think, life was good with chicken, why the sudden change to pork? What is pork? Does pork taste like chicken? And so on...
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