Emotional bruises are like emotional scars, just with less effect. For example a physical scar lasts for life, but also fades over time. I'd be like if something really bad were to happen to you. You'd remember it for life, but the emotional effect it has on you will lessen over time. A physical bruise hurts when delivered and lasts about a week, before it fades into nothingness. You might remember having the bruise later in life, but you might not. It's the same with a emotional bruise. When you get it, it hurts you. You think about it for about a week than you forget it, you might remember the event later on, but you might never remember it again.
Examples on emotional bruises:
Your boss calls you out and says you're not doing it right. You can't help but be hurt by what he said. About a week from then you don't remember why he called you out, just that he did.
Another example, you forgot your movie at your friends house and were planning on watching it tonight with your girlfriend, but now you can't. Do you seriously think you'd remember something like that in 5 years? No, you wouldn't (unless that incident ended your relationship...). It's something that happens to everybody and there is no shame in it. Just like getting a bruise on your leg because you ran into the table. Nobody remembers it, but you DID have a bruise.
These bruises might not mean anything to you at the time you get them or mean something to you in the future, but remember that without that event happening, you would not be the person you are today. This sentence might sound out of the blue to you, but it's always on my mind. This is who people are made. How people with murdering parents don't become murderers. How a person from a bad neighbor hood can become the nicest, kindest, most loving person you've ever met. Things that might mean nothing to you might mean everything yo others. If you didn't hit that table that day, you might been hit by a bus... Not likely, but plausible. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a "everything happens for a reason" type of person. I'm more of a "you act the way you act because of something in your past" type of person. Now, there are different types that fall into my category. There are the type that say "you will become like your mother, because it's something in your past that will predict what you'll do in the future" and there are the type that say "everything in you past matters. what you thought one day at a specific time matters, because everything you do, makes you who you are.". I sort of fall in the second type. Pretty obvious with the way I wrote that out, right?
Friday, October 21, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Being told not to, then told to
Contradictions... My family is so good at them. The best way to explain it is through examples...
When I was 6 or 7 I told my mom I wanted to be a chef, just like her and my big sister. She looked at me with disgust and told me I wasn't allowed to be one, because the family already had two, we didn't need a third. At school in grade 9 we told to start figuring out what we want to be. I can home and told my mother this and she told me I was suited for desk work because I wasn't a very smiley person... That was a couple of years ago... She told be last month that the man she works with thinks I'd make a good chef (I was working there for about 4 years as a dishwasher) and she asked me why I don't pursue that as a career? I looked at her like she was out of her mind and told her, that she had told me I wasn't allowed to be that. She then looked at me like I was crazy and said she had never said such a thing... What does that say about me? That I heard wrong? That I remembered incorrectly? That I am stupid for remembering something like that when clearly she doesn't...
Another example. My sister and I were watching tv and I commented on something, lets say it was about sharks. She will then discuss why what I said was wrong, I'll let her be and say I could be wrong, but I don't believe I am. We google it and what does it say? I'm right! -- About 2 weeks later we're watching and the same shark show is being broadcast. My sister then tells me a fact she learned on the internet about sharks.. the same fact I, 2 weeks ago, had told her. I say I knew that and that I had told her and she gets pissed and says that I'm lying... I have of course no way of proving I'm right and vice versa. Am I the only one in this family with a memory? Am I the only one that cares?
When I was 6 or 7 I told my mom I wanted to be a chef, just like her and my big sister. She looked at me with disgust and told me I wasn't allowed to be one, because the family already had two, we didn't need a third. At school in grade 9 we told to start figuring out what we want to be. I can home and told my mother this and she told me I was suited for desk work because I wasn't a very smiley person... That was a couple of years ago... She told be last month that the man she works with thinks I'd make a good chef (I was working there for about 4 years as a dishwasher) and she asked me why I don't pursue that as a career? I looked at her like she was out of her mind and told her, that she had told me I wasn't allowed to be that. She then looked at me like I was crazy and said she had never said such a thing... What does that say about me? That I heard wrong? That I remembered incorrectly? That I am stupid for remembering something like that when clearly she doesn't...
Another example. My sister and I were watching tv and I commented on something, lets say it was about sharks. She will then discuss why what I said was wrong, I'll let her be and say I could be wrong, but I don't believe I am. We google it and what does it say? I'm right! -- About 2 weeks later we're watching and the same shark show is being broadcast. My sister then tells me a fact she learned on the internet about sharks.. the same fact I, 2 weeks ago, had told her. I say I knew that and that I had told her and she gets pissed and says that I'm lying... I have of course no way of proving I'm right and vice versa. Am I the only one in this family with a memory? Am I the only one that cares?
How thought can destroy your life
Lately I've had self destructive thoughts. E.g thoughts on cutting (ones self), drinking til I can't remember, killing myself, so on. Now don't get me wrong, I have actually done any of these things, they are just on my mind.
Why or how they came to be is beyond me... I've never been depressed, or not really. I've had my lows like every other human being at my age (1991). Yet the thoughts came, if I really want to pin-point them out, they all come from the same trigger... my mother. She means the world to me, but like any other mother, she doesn't know where to stop. The first and only time where I seriously considered suicide was after my mother said some things that cut way deeper than I thought they could and I don't think my mom knew it would affect me. I don't even know if she knows that I have had those thoughts and that she was the trigger.
Feeling are something I have learned not to express, because if you do, they get used against you (not my parents, but my siblings are the trigger this time). I can't believe how different we 4 are. I'm not sure if you would consider me the middle child or not, but I feel like I am. My twin sister is the youngest. She has always been the baby of the family and has also grown up spoiled (like every other baby). My big sister is just that. The first to do everything, the oldest, the "wisest"... And then we have my big brother, who in all theory is the middle child (big sister, big brother, me, twin sister - the children in age, from oldest to youngest). I'm really not sure if you would call him the middle child because even if he was, he is the only boy. That is a title in and of itself. A middle child is someone others easily forget. Someone that has no "real" role in the family. And I believe myself to be that person. Someone that doesn't have to be there and everything still works out. The only thing I feel I am in the family is dad's little girl. We get along, because 1 I have the patience of an angel and 2 everybody else likes mom more. (I just noticed this became a short biography of my family...) Being the middle child has it ups and downs. My sister plays with me if nobody else is around - an up. I get alone time - an up. I learned patience - an up. I was bored - a down. When I was sad nobody noticed - a down...
My mother, sister and I moved to another country without my dad, brother and big sister. My father is now remarried and my mother is a lesbian (she is dating a woman from the country we left). None of by siblings keep in contact with my father, I do thou. His wife is different from what we know... It's like if you're given chicken every day and then one day you're given pork, you'd be all, what the fuck is this? It's so different you deny it. You think, life was good with chicken, why the sudden change to pork? What is pork? Does pork taste like chicken? And so on...
Why or how they came to be is beyond me... I've never been depressed, or not really. I've had my lows like every other human being at my age (1991). Yet the thoughts came, if I really want to pin-point them out, they all come from the same trigger... my mother. She means the world to me, but like any other mother, she doesn't know where to stop. The first and only time where I seriously considered suicide was after my mother said some things that cut way deeper than I thought they could and I don't think my mom knew it would affect me. I don't even know if she knows that I have had those thoughts and that she was the trigger.
Feeling are something I have learned not to express, because if you do, they get used against you (not my parents, but my siblings are the trigger this time). I can't believe how different we 4 are. I'm not sure if you would consider me the middle child or not, but I feel like I am. My twin sister is the youngest. She has always been the baby of the family and has also grown up spoiled (like every other baby). My big sister is just that. The first to do everything, the oldest, the "wisest"... And then we have my big brother, who in all theory is the middle child (big sister, big brother, me, twin sister - the children in age, from oldest to youngest). I'm really not sure if you would call him the middle child because even if he was, he is the only boy. That is a title in and of itself. A middle child is someone others easily forget. Someone that has no "real" role in the family. And I believe myself to be that person. Someone that doesn't have to be there and everything still works out. The only thing I feel I am in the family is dad's little girl. We get along, because 1 I have the patience of an angel and 2 everybody else likes mom more. (I just noticed this became a short biography of my family...) Being the middle child has it ups and downs. My sister plays with me if nobody else is around - an up. I get alone time - an up. I learned patience - an up. I was bored - a down. When I was sad nobody noticed - a down...
My mother, sister and I moved to another country without my dad, brother and big sister. My father is now remarried and my mother is a lesbian (she is dating a woman from the country we left). None of by siblings keep in contact with my father, I do thou. His wife is different from what we know... It's like if you're given chicken every day and then one day you're given pork, you'd be all, what the fuck is this? It's so different you deny it. You think, life was good with chicken, why the sudden change to pork? What is pork? Does pork taste like chicken? And so on...
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